Bad first dates happen, and sometimes it’s difficult for individuals to tell if they were the result of nervousness and jitters or actual incompatibility. It’s not uncommon for a person to be quieter or more awkward than normal during a first date, and sometimes he or she simply needs to warm up to the other person and get that first bit of anxiety out of the way.
It can be confusing, though, as to whether or not someone who went on a bad first date should give that other person a second chance. Dallas resident Craig Borkenhagen said he usually goes on a second date with a woman after a first date that wasn’t the most enjoyable outing, though it depends on how he feels several days after that initial date occurred.
“If the follow-up conversations and flirting don’t push the needle in a positive direction, then I’ve got to say ‘no’ to a second date,” he said. “In my most recent example, my ‘unsure’ was closer to a ‘no’ from the beginning, so it didn’t take me long to confirm that.”
Dallas resident Virginia Altick said she is also willing to give someone another shot after a first date that doesn’t leave her swooning, but like Borkenhagen, she knows when it is time to walk away from the possibility of any feelings changing.
“If I am on a first date with a man, it is because I found him interesting, and I hope to learn more to continue that interest,” Altick said. “So, if I am not sure after a first date, then I would agree to go on a second date. But if I am sure that I’m not feeling it after the first or second date, then I won’t encourage or accept another. I want to be kind, and sometimes that means not moving forward.”
One survey discovered that it only takes about 19 minutes for an individual to know whether or not he or she hopes to go on a second date with a person. For Dallas resident Alexis Derrow, her decision on going on another date is contingent upon why she may not be feeling strongly drawn to a man.
“If he was ill-mannered or vulgar, then no second chances,” she said. “If I just didn’t feel chemistry but liked his personality, then yes, I will go on a second date hoping some sparks will develop.”
As mentioned, people can act differently when they are nervous and meeting a potential companion in a setting in which both of them know that they are essentially judging one another to see if they are a compatible match. Altick expects this, which is one reason she is willing to have a bit more grace.
“I think nerves are inevitable on a first date, and they could affect me or the guy I’m going out with, especially if we are meeting in person for the first time,” she said. “As long as there was some sort of connection worth pursuing, I would agree to a second date, and if needed, I would suggest a different environment that is more comfortable.”
Even when nerves might be a contributing factor, though, no one is required to go on a second date or have the desire to get to know another person better, as Borkenhagen pointed out.
“I think sometimes we go on that second date because we acknowledge those things, even though we know deep down that we aren’t interested,” he said. “Sometimes it’s better to cut it off ‘ASAP as possible’ (Michael Scott quote).”
And Borkenhagen often recognizes those deep-down feelings because he knows what he’s seeking in a companion.
“Besides physical attraction and shared values and faith, both of which can be pretty quickly determined, I’m really looking for depth and flow of conversation,” he said. “Do they make me laugh or think deeply? Do they spur the conversation forward, or am I working too hard to keep it moving?”
Similarly, many individuals often have certain qualities (e.g., common interests, communication, etc.) they look for when dating. For Altick, the two most important components are trust and connection.
“First, can I trust this man to make kind decisions for himself and others?” she said. “If there are red flags on the first date (for example, overdrinking), then it’s a no. Next, is this connection lending itself to more than friendship? If two yeses, then I would continue to flirt with him to indicate my interest, but if one yes and one no, then I hope to have made a friend.”
Derrow, on the other hand, said there is not just one thing she focuses on when she is on a date. While she has qualities she desires in a man, she knows that she might not determine if he has them after going out with him once.
“I think you can determine the hard nos on a first date, but the yeses might take some time to discover,” she said. “It’s hard to tell if someone is a Reagan-republican-feminist church-attending Catholic who appreciates the absurdities of life and has a good relationship with his parents, siblings, and kids (if any). Those are a lot of things to work into a single conversation.”
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The NatNews staff, some dear readers, and a nice couple at the table next to us received free sunglasses and enjoyed college football together Saturday afternoon