Imagine you’re having a conversation (via text or some other means of messaging) with someone who strikes your fancy. Maybe you’ve even gone on a date with this person. Or maybe you haven’t yet but are hoping to soon. But then suddenly, without any explanation, that other individual simply stops reaching out and doesn’t respond to anything you send.
Welcome to modern-day dating—you’ve been ghosted.
It’s difficult to pinpoint when the first incident of ghosting occurred, but it became a more popular avoidance tactic sometime around 2015 or so. Not everyone has experienced it, but many people who use dating apps have become familiar with the concept. Dallas-area resident Katy Flynn said she remembers being ghosted, but it wasn’t significant enough to make her even recall the specific scenario.
“It happened the one time I tried using a dating app, but I feel like that can be expected when you are on the apps,” she said. “I don’t think I was too bothered because the guy didn’t actually know me to where I could take it personally.”
Like Flynn indicated, the more one uses the apps, the more he or she is likely to be ghosted. Dallas-area resident Cali Hoffman said she has experienced more than one instance of a guy suddenly disappearing from the conversation when she’s talking to him on a dating app.
“At times, it’s like, ‘what the heck?’” she said. “And then you are left with a big ‘WHY?’ that will never be answered. Ugh, it’s annoying, but I get over it fast.”
Women aren’t the only ones left wondering, though. Dallas-area resident James Todd Smith* said he feels for people who have experienced potential love interests suddenly vanishing and stopping all forms of communication, as he once knew that reality all too well.
“I’ve been ghosted by a few female friends before I became a running sex symbol,” he said. “In one case, she started flirting and showing interest. I sent a message that made it plain that I was interested, too, and no response. I found out later that she loved me and tried to act like she wasn’t that into me.”
One might be curious as to whether or not those who are ghosted become ghosts themselves, so to speak. Flynn said, though she isn’t positive it should be classified as ghosting, there have certainly been times when she has given guys her number but then never responded to their texts when they reached out.
“The reason why I give them my number, though, is to avoid the awkward moment of saying ‘no,’ even though I know I will never respond,” she said. “It may be rude, but sometimes people don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and I would like to avoid a conflict if I am out having a good time.”
Hoffman, however, admits that she has ghosted men on dating apps but only if the conversation becomes uncomfortable or if the guy starts saying things she thinks are inappropriate.
“In those cases, you don’t even deserve a ‘bye’ from me—just a delete,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve ghosted someone I’ve actually been on a date with, though. I think if you get that far, we both deserve the decency to just say it’s not going to work.”
Smith said he doesn’t intentionally ghost women, though he doesn’t necessarily engage with the ones who try to capture his attention. To him, the concept of ghosting is simply a way for people to let others know they aren’t interested without actually saying it and without ever having to see the other individuals to do so.
“I just become busy with running and races and ignore them on social media,” he said. “I think it’s common because it’s so easy, and messaging is the primary means of contact.”
He’s not alone in that notion. Hoffman said she believes ghosting became an avoidance strategy as a result of the online dating era, which makes it more convenient to leave a conversation that has only occurred via messages. It’s upsetting to her that she still encounters men in their late 30s or older who are too scared to have perhaps tough conversations and be able to say they simply aren’t interested in pursuing anything further.
“When you online date and start chatting with someone new for a couple of days, at some point, you figure out if you want to go on a date or don’t care to chat anymore,” she said. “I think that’s when the ghosting happens a lot because it’s easy, and you don’t technically know that person, so it’s kind of an easy copout. I feel like when I was dating in high school and college, we were more mature back then to actually tell people that we didn’t think it was going to work out or would say ‘I want to break up because of XYZ reason.’”
It could be a maturity issue, and it also could be a matter of people lacking a sufficient amount of courage. In fact, Flynn said she thinks disappearing from a conversation or potential relationship without telling the other person is also a tactic used out of fear.
“I think people are afraid to be honest and truthful about how they actually feel and find it a lot easier just to ignore people and move on,” she said. “Also, they may not want to hear what the responses would be from the people who are being broken up with in those moments.”
*Name has been changed for protection
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Future dear reader Norah Hone enjoyed a snow day in her dinosaur beanie last week